yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
