Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
