i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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