That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
