paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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