i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
