What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Alive.
So much puke
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
