last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
