I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
