Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
