Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
