MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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