do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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