Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
