please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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