I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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