I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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