it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
