I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
