No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
