I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I think I have vodka in my lungs
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
