my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
