Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
