there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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