The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
