Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
