How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
40s are totally the cure
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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