Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
