she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
