good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
