can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
