I want to make a zoo with you.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
