I understand why you refuse to be sober now
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
