News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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