Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
