He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
