The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
