I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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