they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
