i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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