Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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