I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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