My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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