enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
