Your tits are I can't wait for
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
