Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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