I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
