Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
COCAINE IS GR8
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
