dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
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I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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