is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
