I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
