I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
