You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
